And then Some

So, tonight Voltaire was in Austin, and it as amazing. For those of you who I know would like to know.

Hair: Semi-down and VERY curly - sparkly black headband, and black silk ribbon
Make up: Teal and Navy eyeshadow, silver sparkly mascara - black eyeliner and eye smear, Red lipstick with pink gloss over (to create healthy look)

Out Fit: Shiny patent leather victorian style shoes - Thigh high black stockings - White petticoat under layer - Black Over Dress w/bustle and corseted top, Black corset over this, and Dress style Victorian Jacket (I had a very floofy butt)

It was supposed to be a Guy Fawkes/Steampunk thing but I went neo victorian/loligoth.

The first guy who played was Adrian H. (Melo Dramatic emo/goth - but he did a good job with his cover of the sweep's song from Mary Poppins.)

I was not impressed.

Finally - after being terribly uncomfortable and annoyed at the opening act we break into intermission, which was a wonderful blend of skinny puppy, techno, industrial, and goth.

Voltaire - Early in the night - Lee bought me a signed copy of the new abulm, and when Lee motioned for him to hand it to me, Voltaire looked at me and smiled and complimented me on my choice of jewlery (Particulary the necklace which was a silver locket shaped like a book, with an onyx stone in the center.)

The set was awesome, he played only older stuff, one of which was the song "Feathery Wings" which he never plays at live shows.

I cried the whole song and for ten minutes after. That song already has a place in my heart due to XAST - and hearing him explain it's full meaning only made me cry harder.

I 'm not sure whether or not that is a good thing.  - The rest of the show was awesome

His "last" song was "When you're Evil" - And then the crowd chanted his name, and of course there was an encore which consisted of "The USS makes shit up." and the theme song from Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was really really amazing.

Walking out of the bar (Name Elysium) A woman stops me and tells me that my out fit was "Spot on" and "Very Pretty" - while I had heard this from several people in the bar - this one actually meant something as she for all appearances seemed to be a Mundane -and was compelled enough to stop and tell me,.


Mildly drunk and a strange combination of Depressed and Content.

Ally

Oh Yeah - He totally shouted "For the Horde!!!" in the middle of the show.. I had several geekgasms. Lee was amazing in the assists with my costume and it's many varied and interesting mishaps.

For the record - while wearing a body shaping underbust, corseted dress, and decorative corset - it is possibly to find out exactly where your kidneys are!

So, what the hell am I doing awake at 5:47 in the morning? - Having an ear infection and a fever.

Strange dreams and a mild case of the worries have not helped the whole sleeping bit, anticipating systems shutdown within the hour, and I will embrace it fully. I will endeavor to wake in time to go to the clinic to get my ear looked at. I just don't want to spend my day in the ER just so they can give me ear drops and some antibiotics. The antibiotics make me just as woogly as my fever anywho.

Weird weird dreams. Not sure what they are trying to tell me, besides maybe "try harder" - .

So many things recently remind me of him. Especially the fall. A few days ago was the 4 year anniversary of me breaking his heart the first time. I didn't mean to, I guess, like most things. It just came out wrong.

I am all manner of discombobulated to the extent of saying hurtful things to people that don't deserve it. I NEED to get out of my job. Period. If anyone knows of any office/dataentry/computer based jobs in Austin, I would be much obliged.

Right now I have his amber, and I am not sure how I feel about that. There are people that I trust telling me to keep it and people that I trust saying that I shouldn't. Really I am not sure how I feel about it. It depends on what role I am at that point.

I need to pray/meditate/be spiritual more. What I really need is to get off my ass and get ahold of SWL and my friends down there and simply ask for help, but for those of you that know me, we already realize how likely that is.

One of my friends expressed something the other day that I felt particulary apt to my personality... "depending on whether or not she really wants it, sometime between asap and never" - It got me thinking about being more honest with myself.

I can say over and over that I don't regret anything. This is not true. If I didn't regret things I wouldn't be human. I regret a lot - and sometimes I feel like a real fuck up. Being sick is not helping this general mood, but I really need to get it out, and I apologize to my readers who mostly get my emotional vomit, but HEY! what are these things for anyway.

I wil fall asleep eventually - maybe a solid sleep even, but for some reason my apartment maintenance people use leaf blowers at about 10 a.m. everyday. So annoying.

I miss real people. I mean REAL people. 
It seems I am missing my coeterie. Ever since I moved away it seems I am missing the group of happy go lucky conspiritors that I had before. Every time I seem to be forging new friendships and a new coeterie - It falls apart someway or another.

If only I didn't have this strange nearly self destructive need to be around people. It would be so much easier. 

Something that I have been thinking about recently - I have issues with intimacy. Especially when I can't set the exact terms and conditions. Those of you who know me well may find that ironic, but hear me out.

Every relationship and friendship that I am involved in has to have a title and function, if it doesn't I will insist on it. I clearly establish my boundaries and for most people MOST of the time this means "don't touch me" - most people get it without me having to say anything. I make my bubble perfectly clear to those around me, and treasure my personal space. If someone is to invade my bubble I will make it as awkward and obvious to them as possible that they have crossed a line. It reminds me of situations from game forever ago where I would hug one of my best friends and then another (male) would walk up and try to hug me, to which I would recoil and make it clear that I did not want to be touched, and that it was NEVER okay for them to touch me. I am sure that's how I got the reputation that I did as being a frigid bitch.

There is nothing worse then coming into an IRC game in your home town playing a different character to see "Ally, yeah well no one really likes her." - It doesn't matter that the person who said it and I have shared animosity toward one another, but just in general - and the fact that no one refuted it.

I am also well aware of the rumor train that circulated around me and Dominic. Although I will say it was totally worth it to walk into a FGOTM with Dominic and see all of the rather suprised faces. It was probably the most awkward I had seen those cammies in a long time. I couldn't help but smirk to myself.

So - really - Am I a frigid bitch - or do I want to be something different.

I think that I was happier before -  frigid for the most part, yet affectionate to those close to me . I still can't stand to be touched by most people.

93/93
Ally

I have given a lot of thought recently to a lot of things in my life.

The first topic will be friends. I tend to have a very small group of close friends ... and recently that group has grown smaller and smaller. I have been told that I "expect a lot" - out of my friends... But the truth is I hold them to only one standard .. and a standard that I put upon the rest of the world.. Which is very simple.. Exercise your Will!.

Do not bend to me, do not bow to me, and do not fear me.  I hate it ... but apparently I inspire that in others... And, the people that I have admired who have held their own socially with me - most of them have abandoned me. I feel very very alone .. And the only person who can really understand is hours and hours away from me. Too far.

Is it too much to ask people not to be sheep? Wake up! Look around! The world is large and wonderful .. We are so small in comparison to the world ... and yet we live our lives taking and taking and taking ... Raping the very earth that we need to survive.  Consumption ... *sigh* - it's very depressing .. And I go back and forth about caring and not caring ...

So, if everyone falls into social loafing, and leaves it to others to care and do something - then NOBODY will .. However, one person cannot be responsible for everyone else. 

/end rant

Back to friends ...
Yeah, I have a hard time making and keeping them... Some of the best friends I have right now are in WoW ... My guildies. That is so sad. I feel so worthless, and alone. The only people who seem to give a damn about me would stop caring the moment that I didn't show up for raids, do enchants for them, and heal them through end game content.

The people who really care about me .. .they all but refuse to be strong and opinionated with me. Am I really that unpleasant? Am I really that hard to get along with? The only people that can get along with me have to be submissive to me?! -

Ironic really ... because I am a submissive at heart. Really. Unfortunately I have only met three people in my entire life who I thought were strong enough to be able to have a working/fulfilling relationship in that capacity.

1. Dominic (And we all know how that Ended.
2. A friend of mine, for reasons unknown to me fits in the "no longer speaks to me category"
3. A friend who I met through the community - who fell head over heels in love with me and freaked me out. Ever had a person kiss you, who was in love with you, but for whom you only felt a passing attraction? Creepy.... Really really creepy..

So - Do I have that much of an oppressive obnoxious personality, that  I can't have and keep friends.

A lot of my friends from Einsteins (where I work) - refer to me as "Mom" - they mean in affectionately - but I am always taking care of people ... And yet the favor is never returned (partially because I block efforts for people to do so) ...

I had a dream about that ... There are several individuals that I have sheltered, fed, clothed, and done a myriad of other things for ... while they had no where else to go... And not a one of them has paid me back (despite clear verbal agreements to do so) - ...

I am not upset about the money, or the time ... But rather the sheer indifference expressed to me by the people that I have helped ... Who sometimes fell back into the same place they were before I gave them every handhold they needed to crawl out .. I understand that some people just need to learn crawl out themselves... It's like the story about the woman who walks down the street every day ... and every day she falls into a hole ... And every day she has to fight to crawl out ... So she starts trying to find ways around, over, and through the hole .. but still falls time after time ... Eventually ... a  very long time later, after that woman is broken in more ways than a human being should be broken ... she learns to not walk down that street. No matter who tried to help her ... and who tried to show or warn her .. She had to learn for herself...

Their are a few people that I miss dearly as friends, and I wish I knew what I did, or what I could do to earn their trust/friendship back.

Also ... XAST ... god I miss him ..I have cried everyday for the past few days, sometimes needing to excuse myself from class.
I blame myself (yes, I know that I shouldn't and that is not healthy or rational, or even logical) - It hurts .. a kind of pain that goes deeper than loss. For me, what he was to me ... who and what we were together ... The electricicty and hidden daggers in our conversation. He was my Duncan .. My SheepDog ... My Angel... My Saviour (on more than one occasion) ... My enforcer ... Someone to kick my ass back in gear when I was in dark and unhealthy places... I know this is like the 6th or 7th post where I have ranted about him ... But I need to get it out ... 

*insert 20 more minutes of crying*

Okay ...
I will finish this later ..

93/93
Ally

So, this morning I log into my e-mail, as I do most every morning so as not to miss any uber important messages that may have been sent to me, I rarely use it for chatting anymore as I am still working back up from my isolation and anti-social months of July and August.

At least this July and August weren't full of incredibly self destructive behaviors, instead simply withdrawing from the world.

So, as I was saying. I log into my e-mail ... and there is a message that Masterxast's birthday is coming up soon. *sigh* -

It was kinda like being stabbed. I had managed to heal enough to be able to talk about him without crying right away, and to think about better times with him then there were at the end... The whole birthday bit, it kinda dug up some stuff that I thought I had already dealt with.

I know that some people are going to try to head to Saint Louis for his Birthday, unfortunately, I will be unable to make it. Instead, there will be a meat and potatoes dinner, and bailiey's. Anyone from Austin is welcome to join me.

I have an interview for work study in about an hour, and I am in a discombobulated state of mind...

Thoughts and Prayers most Welcome ...

93/93
Gods, I miss you brother....
Ironically, you'd be the one person most suited to help me with this kind of pain.
Ally

So -

Honor's History II - A history of American Terrorism
Book 1: History of Terrorism from Antiquity to Al Qaeda $20
Book 2: Major Problems in American Foreign Policy 1914 to Present - $72

Honor's World Literature - Tales of Epic Heroism
Book 1: Gilgamesh (specific requested translation) $15
Book 2: Iliad - Penguin Edition - $15
Book 3: The Mahabarata  - $13
Book 4: New Oxford Annotated Bible - $45
Book 5: The Kalevala - Forgotten Books Edition. $12

Honor's U.S. Government - U.S. Foreign Policies and Politics post 9/11
Book 1: Global Politics, A reader - $55

Biology - Life on Earth
Book 1: Biology 1309 Questions and Discussion - $15

Intermediate Algebra
Book 1: Intermediate Algebra - $160
New Calculator (We aren't allowed to have graphing ones in this class) $35

Misc. Supplies - $40 And counting ....

I feel so overwhelmed ... $497 (Before Taxes) On all of that business .... At least the government is covering most of it.

*sigh*

Ally

Classes are freaking awesome though, all of my professors, with the exception of math are interesting.

Well, I promised you all a more complete update, and here goes.

This last weekend was amazing, I received only a mild sunburn, and a lot of good times. Getting to spend a lot of time with the Wolf Sister was awesome!

On a slightly sad and awkward note - Brodie and I are both Single now. Considering that we are still roommates - I think it was amicable.

This last month has been a time of introspection and repair. I was re-evaluating my life goals, my values, and the direction that I wanted to go. One of the directions that is education and career - pretty much the same plan as before, but with a slightly longer than originally planned stint at a public school (unless I get super lucky and land a job at a private school).

There are more grants available for those students wishing to pursue a career in public education, and with good reason. The public education system in the U.S. could be a million times better than what it is.

Several years ago the "No Child Left Behind" Initiative attempted public school reform, and fell astonishingly short. It angered and frustrated me, because of my location and familial situation at the time I could not afford private school. For those of you who don't know - it required a 95% proficiency rate in reading and math for all students in every state - The thing is, the act didn't define proficiency - so states with more difficult standardized tests (Read Missouri, California, Texas) - won't receive as much funding from the National level as states with easier exams - read Arkansas - who was the first state to reach the original percentage of 100% - Instead of encouraging across the board growth, the act encouraged standards to be lowered to reach the "National" level of proficiency.

This combined with a life long love of reading - and some encouragement from my favorite English teacher is what made me decide on this career path. I do not believe that I will be able to change the system - but if I can reach to even a small populace of students - and make English and literature tolerable at the least and enjoyable at the most - I will feel like I have accomplished my mission.

The TEACH grant - gives individuals wishing to pursue a degree in Education $4000 a semester if that person spends four years in a low income high needs school.

My high school while I was attending it (Graduate in 05) Nearly lost it's credentials because of this system - and I hate to see that. Pay for teachers, I am aware is well below what it should be. But this is still what I want to do - because if and when I have children, I would rather them go through a school system that fully encourages them rather than having them focus on only two core subjects so that the state can receive more funding.

Well, I will post more later - for now I am heading to eat breakfast then head to class.

93/93

Ally

So, Hey y'all. I am in Rockport Texas this weekend taking a break. I promised that I would be  back around the 24th ... Which is Monday.

Monday school starts, but before that, I am busy getting sun burned and eating all sorts of yummy food.


I will update more shortly ...

I am going to visit my Wolf Sister.

93/93
Ally

I am currently in a state of introspection, and have mostly cut myself off from the outside world. Individuals close to me have received messages of one kind or another looking into my well being.

I am great - terrific actually. I just want to be mostly alone for a while to figure things out.

It's also a tad insulting to have someone "checking up on me" through others (This is not directed at you Donna) -

I expect this state of wanting to be alone will end fairly close to August 24th.

DragonCon, New school Semester, and it not being 110 degrees anymore.

With the two weeks that I have been mostly out of contact, my brain feels clearer. I need time... Time to let myself figure out MY feelings... Time to heal. Time to look at who I am and where I am.

I have some of the best friends in the world for this,


Love is, Brothers

p.s. I may try to make the pagan meetup at Epoch.

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Thanks to all of my amazing friends, I am feeling much better.

Long conversations on the phone, crying break downs, visits from Brothers, lunch with a close friend. Lots of work, lots of school, lots of homework, lots of learning.

I got registered for fall classes.. This is going to be a busy semester.

I am going to be in Phi Theta Kappa this fall, I am in mostly honors classes, and I feel hopeful. Things are moving forward in a very shiny way.

I am heading to gnostic mass this evening, and I feel so much better. I woke up in an AMAZING mood today...

I am playing Janet at Rocky tonight, and I encourage all of my austin friends and brothers to come cheer me on. It would be appreciated and welcome.

If any of you need a ride, please text or email, or gchat - or comment and I will get back with you.

I have managed to let go of a lot of the pain, betrayal, hurt, shame, guilt, and horror of this past year.

Am I completely okay? No... But I am making progress .. and it makes me joyous.

Special thanks to the Valkyrie Lady ... for being the best listener on the planet.
and to my Gator Brother ... For all the countless things you do for me.
Also, to my Wolf-sister - for the gourmet fudge ... right when I needed it!

and last but not least.. To my Mama (in the spiritual sense - I'd dye my skin lime green before thanking my biological mother) For your years of guidance and comfort - especially when I tried to think that I didn't need it.


Love IS .. Brothers.... LOVE IS! ...
Oh, and to Mel... Still waiting for a response from you!

93/93 - Most Emphatically.
Ally

01. Anyone who looks at this entry has to post this meme and their current wallpaper at their livejournal.
02. Explain in five sentences why you're using that wallpaper.
03. Don't change your wallpaper before doing this. The point is to see what you had on.


I am using this wallpaper for several reasons.. Many of you who know me well, will smile and get it right away.. For those of you who do NOT know me well..
Prairie dog is my totem animal, as it is the totem of tactical retreat.  Over the years, this meaning has changed for me.. If you have known me a particularly long time, you have probably heard me say in a half whisper "I am a prairie dog."


http://falboart.com/ Is the site for the artist.  He is not my favorite artist, however he does have some interesting pieces. This is part of his god art collection.

Disclaimer: Full of alternative religion - comments for this post will be screened as a result. Will/Love ~Ally~

So, tonight I had an experience which tested me emotionally. I very nearly lost my temper at a friend of mine, even though I can see that losing my temper would have been excusable. After some cool down time which included getting paint all over myself working on painting the walls, I walked outside to see the sky a beautiful dark purple, and lightning. I immediately declared "Hail Sutekh!" To the air surrounding me, and feeling as though that weren't nearly enough I said it again a bit louder. Still, the feeling that I hadn't quite done enough persisted. I was walking the giunea pig food over to the new apartment (this added for a bit of context, as this post is already a bit scattered) - and ran up the stairs..

After I was in the apartment, I grabbed one of my other roommates and demanded that he come down to appreciate the lightning with me.

As I stepped onto the concrete behind my apartment building, a familiar sensation washed over me. It was the definite presense which I had been lacking for a few months. Recently I have been slacking in my spiritual advancement and study, and while again, I can justify this action, I know that I shouldn't. Continuing -

The roommate I could see was a bit confused about why I was so excited... and I realized that what I was experiencing wasn't a joy I could share with others... That what was going on was something intended for me. I said the Libre Resh for midnight and the air felt even more electric and exciting.. My chest felt light and easy and I could barely feel my feet on the ground.

After my roommate said a blessing of his own, I asked him to leave...

I preformed the LBRP - and getting to hailing Michael - it started pouring... I finished the ritual with rain completely covering me..

I asked for cleansing and clarity from my gods .. and boy was it given in abundance. I stood crying in the rain for a good while, until I felt a heavier, more powerful feeling surge through me...

From here I cannot really describe what happened, although it's not even entirely clear to me. I feel as though something is afoot..

I am joyful and thankful, and want to be able to share it, but at this point I am unable to articulate exactly what happened, let alone be able to share it.

I felt like I should get this down somewhere, and I apologize for the scattered nature of it.

Aparently going to cafe thelema gave me a spiritual kick in the rump! - IGCD

93/93
Ally
Soror Viae Ianthenus

Today was rough.
I had a break down at work - and I cried.

I miss my best friend sooo much. It hurts when I think about him. Although, I can't help but smile through the tears. Something wonderful was lost,  Something beautiful destroyed. I am finally grieving.

I know he's free now, and that he is better for it. But everyday. .every single day there is something that reminds me of him and the pain is physical ... the pain is real . I've wanted to scream, fight, be violent. But all I can do is curl up and go to sleep.


There are so many ways to describe what he is to me... and none of them do our relationship justice.

Magenta and Riff Raff....Michael Valentine Smith and Jill, the entity that was the twins from "Slapstick",

There are so many things I want to tell him... I don't regret anything. I love you, dammit.

He was the best kisser I ever knew.. He taught me to kiss with my whole being. That is a lesson I have passed on...

Lessons ... god .. lessons. Well, at least I have learned from this.. I am still grokking his absence. He was a soulmate to me.

A part of me does blame myself for his death. He told me two weeks before, in XAST speak that he was going to. I tried .. I wish I could have done more. I know that Suicide is the ultimate statement of Will. Against Society, even against the powers that be. He chose when he died.

He was my Angel . . . . He saved me on several occasions, and I caught him in return when he fell. Things were never easy with XAST, and I prefered it that way.. I struck him once.. and I learned from it. He was teaching me a lesson.... and I learned it. He taught me to not be controlled by my anger. Perhaps one of the most powerful lessons I have learned.

I don't expect this to be the last of these kind of posts... but I thank you all for your patience.

LOVE IS ... I will grok when waiting is filled. 

XAST always spoke through music... and so I will say the rest of what I have to say with the following:

Perfect by the Cruxshadows: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7RlKe5LLPo

Beloved by VnV Nation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7RlKe5LLPo

Hey Pretty by POE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_lhspmjCJ4&feature=related

I have had a really terrible headache for the last couple of days. I think it is mostly allergy related, as it is accompanied by watery eyes and sniffles. I hate it. I feel as if there are a ton of sharp needles stuffed into my sinuses.

Two finals tomorrow. . For history if I do not get at least a 92 ish then I will not get an A in the class . . I am not sure if I am going to be able to. *sigh*

The other one is my composition final, which I am more than confident about.

It's not just my 4.0 I am worried about , it's being eligible for the Academic Competitiveness Grant - which I could SO use. I don't want to sign my life away in student loans, and having some sort of grant next year would be awesome.

Have to get to memorizing really strange information.

Brodie is out of town.. and strangely enough, I miss him. Best friend and that whole bit. I hope he's having a blast with his dad, and I hope that he did something nice for his mom today. (He's in California through Monday).

Got an A on my final paper in English, and the A in government was confirmed last weekend. I am really proud of myself for the A in Texas Government. Unlike most people in the class, I am not a Texan native, so I had no frame of reference for the class, there was no high school mandatory Texas history, or Texas government. I had to learn every single thing in that class from scratch. I love feeling like I succeeded at something .

Super top secret project #1 Going well. Waiting for approvals DB to stop having hiccups.
Super top secret project #2 - Monday night a certain artist better be free after nine-ish .. She should tell me when exactly she gets off work.. and cohorts in the evil plan need to keep their schedules free as well.

Love is -

Ally

The last several days I have been down with a stomach bug. It has been a whole lot of not fun. Tonight is the Death Cab Concert, and today the wolverine movie come out. And I feel like poop. Most of you know that 1. I am fairly Uncomplaining and 2. I will usually just suck things up to deal with needing to go about my business, but I am seriously worried about not being well enough to be able to go see one of my favorite bands.

Point the Second: Birthday parties for me always leave me feeling like crap. This year was no exception. My birthday in and of itself rocked, and the stuff I got was really really cool .. But I cried at my birthday party because well... boys are stupid ((This excludes the two who organized my birthday, but you two already know that)) 

I have been feeling really really off recently. I don't feel affectionate AT ALL which is super weird for me. And on top of being sick I have been pms-y for like a week now, and I am starting to worry ... I can not afford to go to the doctor right now, but if it continues, I will. ((And No, there is no way I could be pregnant ))

I am crashing, and feel depressed. I don't feel like the stable pillar of my community that I usually am. Perhaps it is for the best. School has me super stressed out. I have so many tests coming up and I got a B on a history exam ... So all of those nightmares about getting a B in that class, well they're coming true. And it's not for lack of trying.

One more history test, Two more Math tests, One more Government test, and One more English Test.

English is the class I am least worried about, I haven't had to do revisions on ANY of my papers. They have all been great and gotten A's. I want this semester to be over with .. And I want to drown myself in work. Instead of going to the summer semesters , I am going to work two jobs, which was my plan to begin with, and make sure that I can pay for most of my college out of pocket.

I will be okay. I really just want to be completely isolated for a couple of days, but that cannot happen until the end of the semester, at which point I am going to go disappear for a few days with some books.

No TV, Phone, Internet ... Nothing!! Just me and some books...

It's not because I want to be alone, it is because I need a mental reset. My brain and body are all sorts of wacky right now.

There are so many things that I want to work on, but sadly the only one I have enough energy for is WoW. I feel really ill...


And now, I will cease bitching.
Ally

Last night was really awesome. I am working on a duet with Lauren and it's in Gaelic! Whoo! The song is a lot of fun and is incredibly tragic. It's called Siulil A Run - (pronounced shule a rune) and means "Walk my love" - The speaker in the song says that she'll sell everything she owns, become a prostitute and a beggar, make her parents hate her so that her love can have a sword and defend himself and his country.

You should be able to find a copy of the song on youtube, although the version we are doing is from Celtic Woman.

Last night was a lot of fun. I don't want to do that very often though.. I woke up with a terrible headache.

We also worked on some of our harder songs - we have the sheet music for Somewhere over the Rainbow (also the celtic woman version) and worked on the harder parts. It felt as if we were an actual musical ensemble!

I think we should have an audience more often, as we generally do better when we have one.

Often times, I find myself as the group therapist, most of my friends bring their problems to me, and I help them through it. Most times I can address my own feelings fairly objectively, but from time to time I need someone to disable my super power of self delusion. A few of my friends recently stepped up (when I have asked) and helped me through some of my issues.

Some of those issues I am not sure I will ever overcome. Those being traumatic experiences from my childhood. The last year has helped me heal a lot from several of these issues. Many nights of crying and babbling. Being a blubbering mess in the bottom of a bath tub. My song for this year has been "Eye of the Storm" by the Cruxshadows.

93/93
Ally

The days are getting easier and lighter. I'm relaxing more and more and coming in touch with who I am. The last two days have been enlightening and filled with growth, love, growing closer, and having a more solid sense of the person that I am. I still feel XAST nearly daily. I know he's around. It doesn't make me cry anymore when I feel his presence or see a flash of him around me. I am reminded of what he taught me of love, life, and grokking. He also taught me that nearly everything in life is a lesson, and that growth, thought often through tribulation, can also come through learning.
o
I saw Celtic Woman live last night - I got to see my idol prance on stage with her lover (her violin) If you have never seen or heard them - please listen to them - and look for the adorable pixie-like fiddle player. She is a goddess! She spins, jumps, frolics, dances and prances while never missing a note - and she plays like the violin is an extension of her body. Her face after she finishes is something like ecstacy.

I learned several lessons recently.
Be comfortable and Confident in your sexuality. I am a sexual person, and often I tend to put what I want on the sidelines for my partner's satisfaction.

I don't always have to be the mother for the people I love. I have a mildly self-destructive habit of forcibly caring for those around me in my inner circle... as in "You WILL take this - if not it will go to waste, and then you'll just feel guilty" It's not always so forceful but it can be. I am learning to say no, and to allow people to make their own mistakes. I feel very protectively maternal over all of my friends and am often called "Mama" despite the fact that I am the youngest person in my group.  - Part of that maternal instinct should be channeled into allowing them to grow, hurt, and learn on their own. (I'm growing up! Yay!)   

I can be NORMAL! Recently I found that I blush, stammer, and get weak-kneed around people that I have a crush on or find attractive. I say stupid things, and lose all higher brain function.  I get super nervous.

 - - - - - - -
I don't feel as if I have ever felt the unconditional love that I offer my loved ones reciprocated. I have had a lot of discussions with several brothers recently on the nature of jealousy.
"Jealousy is fearing that you wont get your fair share and wanting it all, add in a little selfishness, and there you go."

I want to feel the same type of love that I give others reciprocated. There are a few who love me very deeply, and for them I am eternally grateful, and you know, feeling that type of love may never happen  - as I can be difficult. :P Those who are still around obviously see something loveable about me, and it fills me with joy to see that.

I didn't really grok (and still kind of don't) Jealousy - I think it comes from not expecting anything in return from those people that I love. On the flip side, my willingness to do just about anything for those that I love often leads me to feeling like a doormat. I had a bit of breakdown the other night, because I love unconditionally those people that I do love. There is literally nothing that those people could do that would make me love them any less. I can disapprove of things they do - and not support destructive habits and actions, but they will always have my love.

When someone that I am affectionate with (not even necessarily sexual) gets jealous at witnessing me being affectionate with someone else, it boggles me.  I am polyamorous and cultivate close relationships with those people considered friends - and even closer with those that are my brothers. I expect those people who are brothers to have overcome their sense of jealousy - and when they haven't I am disappointed, and work towards helping them grok my outlook. If they can't it makes it rather difficult to be a close friend of mine.

 - Romantically - I am not sure what I want. I have an equal yearning to be single as I do to be in a committed (albeit poly) relationship. I think that I should, and will be single for a bit. I am enjoying the single life. I find myself confused very often recently.

This last year has been super super difficult for me, but I am glad that myself and most of the circle has survived it. I will not go into detail as to the many things that have happened, most of you already know.


Love Is,  and I remain only an egg!
Ally

A long time ago, it seems like ages now, XAST told me very specifically how I was made of Star Stuff.

You are made up of organ systems -
Which are made up of organs -
Which are made up of cells
Which are made up of molecules
Which are made up of Atoms
Which are made up of Protons - Neutrons -and Electron
These are the same things that are in the center of every star in every galaxy in the Universe
So you Lovely, are made up of Star Stuff

It was one of the best things that anyone has ever said to cheer me up.

Yesterday - I wake up and begin shuffling around the apartment. After checking my e-mail, live journal, and cell phone for any message relaying I needed to do - I see a missed call from Jefferson County Missouri - Where I grew up and near where XAST used to live. I checked my voicemail to see who it was - and It was XAST's other Aunt. I called her back and she told me that no one from Texas was allowed at the funeral - least of all Me or Dominic

She said - the family "Doesn't want you or any of that crazy witchiness around his body" - This entire time I have been nothing but respectful of the family - and the family that I had talked to seemed supportive of the idea of giving him a Kemetic funeral.  I was shocked and devastated - and insulted. I could not and still can not fathom how someone would say that to a person who was grieving.  I know that a lot of the family blames Dominic and I for his death. We drove to missouri and picked him and drove him back to Texas. I had never seen him happier than when he was here - he LIVED here. Suicides are never any person's fault, Ever. On Friday one of his aunts told me that it was.

After some pleading and arguing - we managed to get permission for Mel to be able to go.

After a meeting of the executive council in Texas - Me, Irulan, Dominic, and the one with veto power - Mel - It was decided that we will have a ceremony here in Texas before his body is sent up river. Since we couldn't have access to the body - we had it in one of his favorite spots.  There is a wooded creek behind his favorite coffee house that has large rocks that you can sit on.

I smudged the area first - and then Dominic and I set up an Alter in honor of Xast. It had his magickal squeegee, his purple mirror, his diary, a picture his girlfriend had drawn, one of his necklaces, and his Goblet.

We invited about 30 people, nearly all of whom showed up.

The ceremony started with the ringing of the bell - nine and then three times.
Dominic preformed the LBRP next - cleansing the space.
I lit the candles and the incense next - of the five that I lit - only one stayed burning the whole time. (It was windy)
Dominic then preformed the opening of the mouth ritual with XAST's crooked cane - and the goblet in place of the body.
At this point I said a brief prayer for the mourners - although it had no specific religious flavor.
I gave a short speech on will - and coincidence.
Next - I read a prayer that I had written (the one in the previous post).

In Honor of XAST - a cigarette break was called - and most of us smoked cloves - There are pictures of the field of red glowing cherries in the darkness - very appropriately XAST.

The ceremony resumes with Mel speaking on XAST's many names - and how one of them was Duncan Idaho.

I was a friend of XAST - he taught me Compassion and Hope.

The "I was a friend of .... " was passed around the entire group of Mourners - during which we were interrupted by cops (who later apologized) and a barking dog - who's frantic barking we interpreted as "I was a friend of XAST - I barked at him every time he was here."

Dominic stood next - and led a recitation of "Invictus"
Then a recitation of the Litany against Fear.

Finally there was a special request from Dominic - one of XAST's goals in life was to see how many people he could get to dance without music in a parking lot - just dancing.

So the whole group went to the parking lot - and we danced.

At this point some very very drunk person decided to jump on the back of a car that was backing up and jump off again ... the occupants got very angry - and threatened to call the police - well... those people promptly backed into another car- and the whole of couldn't help but giggle - we felt they got what was coming. They left without further interruption.

We stood around the coffee house for another hour - talking and remembering. There were several parties last night. I chose to go home and be alone.

I will never get over XAST's death. I will move on though. He was a part of me in a way almost indescribable. There is a large lanky blonde shape missing from me right now.

A lot of people want me to go to St. Louis to crash the funeral. I'm not going to. It would cause more pain, suffering, and blame than there already is. XAST didn't want a funeral. I don't want to dishonor him. We all know where he is right now.  XAST would want as little hurt as possible. Yes, I am very angry and upset over it - but It's not worth it. Dominic also cannot afford to go.

Mel I love you. I mean that. I will send you on your way there with all of my blessings.

Love is -
And I Remain
Only an Egg.

Ally

P.S. If you were a friend of XAST please pass along the Fremen tradition of "I was a friend of ..." You can say it, post it, whatever. Since not everyone was there last night - we feel that it should be continued until everyone has a chance to say theirs.

Thursday morning around 11 in the morning I was on the bus heading south toward my work. I had taken a slightly later bus than usual so that I could sleep for an extra ten minutes. Around 38th and Lamar my best friend, brother in so many ways, got on the bus. XAST had seemed detached recently, more so than usual. When he got on the bus - he was smiling to himself and humming in his head. I said "Hello, Brother!" Which is our standard greeting. He didn't hear me, so I tapped him lightly on the inside of the wrist as he was walking. XAST jumped and his expression changed to disbelief, he shook his head no at me - as if to tell me "No, don't touch me, I don't want you here." No matter the circumstances, or how pissed we were at one another - XAST never jumped away from me.  I was hurt - but rather than antagonize his psychotic episode. I waited. He sat down and began shifting rythmically left to right, smiling brightly, humming in his head. Periodically he would obviously see something - gesture to a person, and then gesture to me as if I should understand what the person was, or what he was seeing. Getting closer to my stop - I asked if he would like a hot cup of coffee.  He said very emphatically that he would like a cup of coffee. The bus stopped, and he walked with me to my store - I handed him a cup for coffee - and clocked in while he was filling it up. Before he left I hugged him and told him "I love you, Brother." He said "I love you." And then walked out the door.

That was the last time any of us saw him alive.

An hour later - And when I happened to get off work - XAST Jumped from the 9th floor of a building on 8th street. We're fairly certain that it was the third building down from the block. 93 XAST - We hear you loud and clear.

I left the store around 12:15
It started raining - and all thursday afternoon I was out and about being drenched in the rain. Hail Sutekh.

XAST hadn't come home by 1:30am friday, and I recieved phone calls from my ex-husband, who happened to be XAST's roomate. (XAST's Girlfriend Mel also lives there) He hadn't come home - and Dominic was questioning me on the last time I had seen him, because no one had seen him since then.

I wake up around 10 on friday - thinking that I had a dream that XAST was missing again. Checking my cell - I have texts from Mel saying he is still missing.

Fast forward 14 hours of frantic searching, emailing, texting, walking, freezing, flyering - where I finally ended up at the Salvation army's homeless shelter. I placed one of the flyers in front of the desk clerk.. He got very quiet - and said "I don't mean to scare you, but he looks very similar to a picture some homicide detectives were in here earlier today, of a suicide." I was not completely suprised by this. XAST had been threatening suicide for a very long time. After waiting for about an hour at the location, a detective finally showed up. He looked at the picture, and I could see it in his face. I knew then that it was. After a brief questioning - me telling them what he was wearing, some identifying marks etc etc .. The man said that it was "very likely" we had a positive match.

He took the photo that I had to the Medical Examiner's office, and the Medical Examiner said that we would have to wait until the morning for a positive ID.

I went to Epoch and had to do one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I had to tell a large group of people that their Brother threw himself from a building... Mel lost it.. XAST has put her through so much in the last year, and now this.  Last night there were several hours of crying and comforting, and several people drinking themselves to oblivion.

Today, I get the final call from the grief counselor - they've made a finger print match - and they're sure. I finally lost it - though not for long. I need to keep being the pillar for my friends.

Beginning last night, and continuing through today I have been in constant contact with XAST's family in Missouri. We're working together on the situation, although I am the representative from Texas - and Mary - the non biological aunt who cares for the family - is the representative from up north. We're hoping to be able to have the Kemetic Ceremony - but we'll have to talk to his Irish Catholic family. They were all aware that he was pagan. Not sure at this point exactly what's going on with the funeral arrangements, It's a little soon for that. Brodie has been the most supportive and caring person I could expect anyone to be as I continue to be the strength and foundation for the rest of the group. It was best that I found out and relayed to the rest of the group - and sort of fitting as well.

It's worth it to note, that while I was standing in a shop called "Earth Art" looking at incence - the song Strange Love came on.. XAST dedicated this song to me ages ago - this was immediately followed by the song Sweet Dreams - which is a song he had dedicated to the circle (water brotherhood). He always loves to speak through music.

He was happy as he went. I guess that is all we can really ask for. XAST had said that he should be able to chose the moment of his death. He also said that it should be his choice alone. He got his wish.

In honor of XAST tonight there will be several parties - the first of several parties. XAST didn't want a funeral .. he wanted an Irish Wake.

For those of you who didn't know him.. He was my best friend, my brother. I love him fiercely. He's in a better place now, and in several ways I can understand why he would do it. In the end he wasn't staying alive for himself. He was staying alive for the rest of us. Thelema/Agape - Love under Will.. It's what 93 Means. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the Law. Love under Will. Or translated numerically 93/93 - then simply shortened to 93. His birthday was 9/3 - 

"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand."

And also - something from me personally.

May Ma'at smile upon you, and know that your heart isn't nearly as heavy as you perceive, Xast.
May Horus greet you warmly - though not too warmly.
May Het-Heret embrace you - and love you as we have loved you.
May Sobekh teach that not everything is edible.
May Knuhm sit and smoke with you - after he's finished his day's work.
May Ptah ensure that your mouth is open.
May Djehuti delight in showing you the full path of your life - fair witness style.
May Sekhmet ...well.. May sekhmet be really drunk when you meet - I think you'll get along better that way.
May Sutekh allow you the Da'ath that you seek - but also teach you to come back.
May Ra show you the true Sun.

Love Is ... And I remain only an Egg.

He spells his name Capital X then small caps AST - which is why this whole post has his name XAST.

Yesterday I forgot to make a post friends only .. And some random user commented on my post and said that they love my writing style.

Interesting that. I have been trying to boot myself into writing more, and posting more often. The post yesterday was more than cathartic. I think that the reason I haven't written as much as I would like is the (what seems to be) mountain of papers I have for class this semester.

Something that has been coming up a lot in my life recently is Love..

I do NOT believe in soul mates.
I do NOT believe that love alone is grounds for continuing a relationship.
I do NOT believe in destiny.

I do think that love is a necessary part of any long term romantic relationship. I have seen first hand the marriages based solely on being a partnership, sort of the "stay together for the kids" mentality. It was terrible for the child and they emerged from the family scarred and with more than a few social anxiety issues. I have also seen the relationships where the two people stay together for the sake of love alone. It is terrible for both parties involved and wears down the both of them. If any one else has heard that terrible new song "My life would suck without you" By Kelly Clarkson - where she says "Guess you take back all you said before like how much you wanted anyone but me" and then "Cuz we belong together" ... I find it disgusting. It's unhealthy - and encourages an entire generation of girls to put up with someone who would say abusive things to them for the sake of love.. Yes I know that in the song she says that she does terrible things too - but that doesn't really change my point.

You need to have a partner first, not a lover. Love is a form of insanity. The things that we do in the name of love are sometimes terrifying, other times awe inspiring. The amount of art, poetry, literature, and action spurred on a daily basis by love astound me. I know, I've caught the crazy a time or two myself. I even currently subscribe to that crazy, although with (IMHO) a much healthier view on the whole thing.

*sigh*
I don't mean to sound bitter - or to ruin anyone's day if they happen to be in the middle of falling for someone.. But - really.. Stop the crazy for just a bit... Please?